


fake happy

by soheresmyrightfinger



Series: fear and lust and pride [1]
Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorder, F/F, I'll tag more as it moves along, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, References to Depression, Self-Harm, this is kind of all over the place sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-06 03:51:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15186143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soheresmyrightfinger/pseuds/soheresmyrightfinger
Summary: "I can't be there with you every second but I can try."in which Cady does as much as she can when she notices that Janis is becoming depressed.





	1. i don't want to wake up on my own anymore

**Author's Note:**

> all trigger warnings are in the tags  
> this is more of a vent fic if anything so sorry if it isn’t the best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from asleep by the smiths

Cady was incredibly perceptive for a girl who had grown up around more animals than people. In her one year of being a Plastic, she had learned more about human interaction than she had in the 15 years before. She was incredibly perceptive, and she could tell when her girlfriend was starting to become depressed. 

Janis was generally a passionate person and when she felt, she felt wholeheartedly. She loved art and music, but when she became depressed, she didn’t even have the energy to be snarky. She had her headphones in to listen to her sad playlist and spent her lunches in the art room drawing or painting something to take her mind off of everything. She usually sat with Damian and Cady but today she just needed a breather. Janis decided to write as her outlet today. 

“She’s skipping lunch again?” Cady whined. Damian replied, “Maybe she’s just running late from art.” Cady bit her lip and said softly, “Maybe...” Inside she knew her girlfriend wasn’t doing well. She had begun to drink black coffee in the mornings and she would cling onto Cady more than usual. “I’ll go visit her, wanna come with?” She offered, garnering a yes from the boy. 

Cady lightly tapped on the door to the art room before slowly pushing it open. “Hello?” Damian rolled his eyes, playfully replying “Cady, come on. How many horror movies have we made you watch? That’s not how you enter a seemingly empty room.” Cady swatted at him with a smile on her face, mimicking a shush, gesturing over to a sleeping Janis. She was curled up on the floor with her head on top of her backpack, headphones still placed in her ear. Her journal was open next to her, her pen between her index and middle fingers and her hand on the journal’s crease. Cady couldn’t help but think she looked cute, peaceful almost. They had 15 minutes left in their lunch hour, so they decided to let the girl sleep. Cady sat down beside her and was playing with Janis’ hair when her phone lit up with a text notification. The redhead glanced at her phone and noticed Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd was playing.

Those 15 minutes went by too quickly, and suddenly Cady had to wake Janis up. The classroom she had been sleeping in would be unoccupied for the next class period, so there was no rush for the two to get to class. “You can go ahead and head off if you’d like, Damian.” He nodded, almost knowingly, and spun on his heel to leave. “Janis? Hey, love, lunch hour’s over,” she said softly, rubbing her back. She rubbed at her eyes, mumbling out a “how long was I out for?” “I’m not sure, you were asleep when I got here,” the redhead replied, starting to gather Janis’ things to help her get everything together. “Come on babe, we have to get to english.” Janis grabbed her journal with a bit more haste than the situation called for, which worried Cady a bit, but she tried to shake it off. After everything was put together, Janis and Cady were walking into english hand in hand, a sort of heavy thickness in the air around them.


	2. such a lonely day, and it's mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: depression/suicide + disordered eating habits  
> janis is an angel who deserves better  
> chapter title is from lonely day by system of a down

Janis had her headphones in, listening to Something in The Way by Nirvana and getting ready to refill the water bottle she’d already emptied three times that day when she felt a tap on the shoulder. “Hi!” Cady chirped. “Do you have anything to do after school today?” the redhead asked, looking up at Janis with a twinkle in her eye. She was planning on going home and wallowing, but Janis couldn’t resist her girlfriend’s sparkly blue eyes. “Nope. Why, what’d you have in mind?” Cady smiled. “I thought we could just hang out at my place? If you’re feeling up for it,” she replied softly. “Whatever you want, math nerd,” Janis said, grabbing her girlfriend’s hand and bending down to give her a kiss. 

Cady led Janis to her bedroom, and when Janis sat on her bed, Cady signaled for her to wait as she went to the kitchen to grab them a snack. As Janis began to pick at her already chipping nail polish, her girlfriend popped back in the room with a pint of Halo Top ice cream, two spoons and two bottled waters. "I figured you'd be hungry since you slept through lunch hour," Cady said, grinning widely. Janis nearly winced seeing the big **360** on the front, but after so long, Janis had become an expert on mental math and eyeballing measurements. "Maybe we could watch a movie or something?" Janis suggested, trying to get her girlfriend to stop looking in her direction. "Sure!" Cady said, beginning to look for the remote to her tv. Janis quickly checked the label to see how much she could allow herself to eat. "Got it!" Cady exclaimed triumphantly, doing a little victory dance on her way back to the bed. "What are you staring at, art nerd?" Cady teased. "My beautiful girlfriend," she replied, giving Cady multiple kisses on her cheek, making her giggle. "Cut it out, I'm trying to pick a movie!"

Janis and Cady had very different tastes in movies, so Cady picked out The Lion King, upon Janis' recommendation. She had been meaning to show it to Cady for a while, and now that she was finally watching it, she was extremely enthralled, so much so that she didn't notice that Janis had barely eaten any ice cream. Janis whispered, "I'm gonna go get us some more water, I'll be right back," leaving carefully to make sure she didn't block Cady's view.

The dark-haired girl leaned down to get the water out of the fridge, but when she stood up, she felt a wave of dizziness rush over her. She grabbed the nearest countertop and leaned onto it, waiting for her vision to come back. "Janis?" She opened her eyes to see a very concerned Cady standing outside the kitchen. "Are you okay?" Janis was quick to answer, "yeah I'm fine, just got up too fast." Cady got closer to her girlfriend, looking her in the eyes. "Janis..." She knew where this was going. "Baby, when was the last time you ate a full meal?" Janis felt tears welling up, but she blinked them away. "Janis?"

"I don't know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe loves  
> I'm starting summer classes on July 9th so updates may be spread a little further apart but I will do my absolute best to update somewhat consistently
> 
> tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


	3. i have become comfortably numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/ mention of suicide, mention of eating disorder, implied/mentioned self-harm, implied suicide attempt, self-deprecating talk, use of the word psycho, and everything in the tags that I didn't mention
> 
> be safe!!  
> chapter title is from comfortably numb by pink floyd

Cady pulled Janis into her room and shut the door. "Janis, I-" She cut her off, "Please Cady, don't make this harder than it has to be." Cady raised her eyebrow, replying, "I don't think I know what you mean..." Janis scoffed, "I've been through this before, people thinking they can fix me. I’ve been broken for so long and hiding it for so long, it’s like all the pieces have been swept under the rug, and I can’t find them anymore to put them back together.” Cady looked sadly at her girlfriend, whose hands were beginning to shake for fear of messing everything up. “Janis, baby it’s okay. I don’t want to fix you.” Cady said, gently grabbing Janis’ chin to move her head towards the redhead.  

“W-what?” Janis said, clearly confused. “I know what you’re going through, really I do.” She said softly. “And I want to be there for you. I can’t be there with you every second, and frankly I don’t think you need me every second.” She laughed dryly. “But I can be there when you need me. I’m not gonna force-feed you or yell at you when you relapse,” Cady said, glancing down at Janis’ arms, which were covered by the army green jacket she loved so much. “But I can try. I can do whatever you need me to do to help you with this. I had my parents to help me, and you have me to help you.” Cady said, very matter-of-fact. 

She reached to grab the dark-haired girl’s hands, turning her palms up and looking to her for permission. After a gentle nod from Janis, Cady very carefully slid up Janis’ jacket sleeves to reveal red scars lined on top of white. “Baby…” she whispered, barely audible. “You think I’m crazy don’t you?” Janis whispered, sitting very still. “You must think I’m some kind of psycho freak who starves herself just like everyone else. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just some freak who couldn't even kill herself properly.” Tears began to fall from Janis’ eyes, as she looked helplessly at her girlfriend, feeling more vulnerable than she ever had before. “Janis, baby, don’t talk like that.” Cady said, tears beginning to well up in her eyes as well. “Cady, I’m sorry that I’m what you’re stuck with, I’m so sorry,” Janis said, just barely holding back sobs. “You deserve so much better than what I have, what I am.” Cady brought her hand up to Janis’ cheek, near tears, replying, “No. That’s not true. It’s not true at all.” Janis sniffled, looking over at the redhead. “You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me.” Cady rolled up her sleeves to reveal a 3-inch long vertical scar on her left arm. 

“Cady…” Janis breathed. “It was a while ago, before we came to America. It’s part of the reason why we came.” Cady said, pulling her sleeve back down. “I learned how to cover it up before school started and I uncover it while I'm at home. But anyway," Cady said, shaking her head and trying to get back on track, "My parents thought being able to see people my age and being able to start fresh would help. And it did, cause now I got you. And you got me,” Cady smiled, grabbing her girlfriend’s hand. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and the best girlfriend I could’ve asked for.” Janis looked into Cady’s eyes, replying, “you really mean that?” Cady leaned in to peck Janis on the cheek, pulling back and whispering, “Absolutely I do. And I don’t think you’re a psycho. You know what I do think you are?” Janis shook her head. “You are beautiful, and creative, and talented, and so kind and caring,” Cady said, moving her hand from Janis’ cheek to her neck. “And you are so strong. And you know what else? You’re loved by me. So much,” Cady whispers, leaning in to kiss Janis.

“Cady?” Janis says softly. “Yeah Jan?”

“Thank you for everything. Seriously, I… I don’t know where I’d be without you.” Cady kissed Janis on her forehead. "I know this isn’t an easy fix, and I can’t be there with you every second but I can try.” 

“Try what?” Janis inquired. “Try to be what you need.” Cady replied softly. Janis grabbed Cady’s hand and squeezed it. “You don’t have to try to do that, love,” she said, leaning in for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this! I honestly didn't expect it to get any hits, as it was more of a vent type thing, so I can't believe it's at over 200 hits  
> if you enjoyed it then follow my mean girls sideblog and request stuff for me to write on tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


	4. i can ease your pain and get you on your feet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> same tws as the last 3 chapters; d slur/homophobia
> 
> chapter title is from comfortably numb by pink floyd (I have a playlist of sad music that I think Janis would like... I'm too dedicated to this story)

Janis rolled out of bed, fully intending to wear the clothes she wore the night before, because let’s honest: leggings and a t-shirt make the perfect pajamas and the perfect comfortable outfit. She put on her favorite green jacket, grabbed the iced coffee she’d made the night before, and she was off. 

She walked into the cafeteria, looking around for Cady or Damian. She couldn't find them, so she just sat down at an empty table, sipping her coffee and checking her phone. "Hey look at the space dyke all alone!" Janis rolled her eyes, getting ready to muster up the energy to respond when she heard a voice say "what the  _fuck_  did you just say to her?" Janis whipped around to see Cady with her arms crossed, staring the boy down.

"I said look at the space dyke sitting all alone," the boy said with a grin on his face. Cady slowly walked up to him, the entire cafeteria's eyes on her now. "Kyle... sweet, stupid Kyle. Call her a dyke again, and I will end you." She said, towering over the boy in the heels she decided to wear that day. She grabbed his collar and pulled him close. "I. Will. End you. Got it?" She whispered, spitting pure venom and staring daggers into him. She let go of him, and he stumbled away, muttering an "I'm sorry, Janis" as he made his way out of the cafeteria.

Cady sat down next to her girlfriend, kissing her on the cheek and whispering a "good morning babe." Janis looked at her in awe and could only manage to say "wow." Cady smiled at her, "what? I wasn't gonna let him talk to you like that. He's a little shit anyway." Janis hugged her girlfriend, curling her face into her chest. 

Cady kissed her softly atop her head and rubbed her shoulder. "Aww!" Damian said with only a slight hint of sarcasm. "Good morning Damian," Cady said with a smile. Damian looked between the two and couldn't help but laugh. "What?" the two said in unison. "Just the juxtaposition I'm seeing... makes me laugh." Janis rolled her eyes, "okay Damian, we get it, you've been studying your AP Lang vocab." Cady chuckled as Damian quipped back, "I have indeed, thank you for noticing... Now what's with you today little miss sunshine?" He said, looking at Cady.

"What do you mean?" She replied, now shuffling through her backpack. "You have a different energy today... like your aura has shifted." Janis interjected, "Maybe it was that little showdown with Kyle she had about 5 minutes ago," she said with a grin.

Cady rolled her eyes, "Honestly Janis, it was nothing." Damian damn near slammed his hands on the table as he leaned in. " _What?_ You mean to tell me sweet little miss Cady Heron got into a confrontation and lived to tell the tale?" He finished with his hand on his chest. "Oh please, I'm not completely helpless. Besides he called Janis a dyke and no one should call her that. Except herself if she wants." Cady finished. "You are a gift." Janis deadpanned, softly grabbing her face and kissing her on the cheek.

Cady pulled a bag out of her backpack containing two bagels, two butterknives and two small individual containers of cream cheese. "I brought an extra one for you," Cady said, turning to face Janis. "If you can't finish it then that's okay, I'll just finish whatever you have left over.” Janis stared at the food, numbers swirling around in her head. “Thanks Cady,” she said softly, beginning to spread the cream cheese. Cady and Damian exchanged a look as they ate before class began. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> waaaaah hope this is good, I’ll write another chapter at some point today, I’m publishing this at 3am my time because I have that #insomnia so I’m finishing this instead of sleeping :’)
> 
> tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


	5. i’m sorry but i’d rather be getting high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day?? u guys are spoiled  
> sorry if this sucks though I'm Doing My Best
> 
> tw mention of drug use if anyone needs that?? idk how to tw
> 
> chapter title is from me - the 1975

**savannahbi:** hey, has janis seemed different to you lately?

 **2gay2function:** not particularly, besides the typical on-brand angst, why?

 **savannahbi:** I’m not sure, she just seems... off.

 **2gay2function:** how so?

 **savannahbi:** like... she smiles less. less than usual that is. and she doesn’t laugh at my jokes as much or at yours

 **2gay2function:** now that you mention it, I have noticed that. and she’s always falling asleep. even in english even though that’s her favorite class of the day

 **2gay2function:** sometimes in art too, she'll start to doze off at the easel

 **savannahbi:** do you think I should be worried?

 **2gay2function:** I think as long as we keep showing her love and checking up on her, she should be okay

 **2gay2function:** at least I hope

 **savannahbi:** I hope so... I really love her Damian and it hurts to see her hurting so much...

 **2gay2function:** I know what you mean, believe me

 **2gay2function:** but she’s strong. and you make her stronger

 **savannahbi:** do I really

 **2gay2function:** absolutely. she talks about you constantly when you aren’t around, how kind and helpful you are, and I don’t doubt it for a second

 **2gay2function:** you really are a help Cady

 **2gay2function:** more than you know

 **savannahbi:** well that’s reassuring :) thanks Damian. see you at lunch!

 

The bell rang for lunch and Cady and Damian sat down at their usual table. It used to be the "art freak" table, but the cliques at North Shore had essentially dissolved after the whole chaos the year before. "Have you seen Janis?" Cady asked, starting to eat her salad. "Yeah, I saw her go into the bathroom, I tried to catch up with her but she was ahead of me." Damian said casually, biting into his sandwich.

Cady pulled out her book for english and began to read it while she waited for Janis to show up. She only had one chapter left and she couldn't wait to see how it ended. By the time she finished it, she looked up to see her girlfriend walking into the cafeteria, headphones in and all. She sat next to Cady and planted kisses on her neck. "Hi baby, how've you been today," she said, smiling up at her. Cady looked at Damian, then Janis with a curious expression before replying, "Alright I guess. As great as a day at North Shore can be. How about you?" She asked, curious as to what caused the mood change in her girlfriend. "Hmm, well it hasn't been all that great, but I'm here with you so it can't be too bad," she giggled, wrapping her arms around the redhead and scooting closer to her.

Cady giggled, "Janis, are you alright?" The dark haired girl looked up at Cady, murmuring an "Of course, why wouldn't I be?" Cady quirked up an eyebrow, replying "Well you've been depressed for the last little bit, so I just wanted to make sure." Janis planted a soft and careful kiss on Cady's cheek, whispering "you're adorable. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm really hungry," before getting up to get in line for pizza. Cady looked at Damian before asking, "Do you know what her deal is?"

Damian just laughed, replying "Oh sweet sweet Cady... She's stoned off her gourd." Cady looked confused for a second, causing Damian to sigh, "She's high, Cady." The redhead's eyes widened, "But how?" Damian raised an eyebrow, "Well first you get the weed-" Cady rolled her eyes, replying "No, I mean how is she high  _right now?"_ Damian shrugged, "She probably just smoked in the bathroom. Maybe brushed her teeth so you can't smell it on her breath. Are you mad?" Damian asked.

Cady sighed, "No, I get why she does it, I just... wish I understood the appeal." Damian laughed again and replied, "well I'm sure she'd be willing to help you in that department." Janis plopped down dramatically, declaring a little too loudly that she'd decided to get a chicken sandwich instead of pizza. Cady softly turned Janis' face towards her and kissed her softly. When their lips parted, Janis had a silly grin on her face, whispering "wow" as she stared into Cady's blue eyes for a little too long before turning back to her lunch, preparing to put condiments on her sandwich.

 

**queer club**

**savannahbi:** hey who's down for a sleepover this weekend?

 **2gay2function:**  ABSOLUTELY YES

 **fetchgretch:**  yes!!

 **orandge:**  me too!

 **apexpredator:**  Sure, why not

 **spacegay:**  sounds promising

 **spacegay:** can we smoke

 **savannahbi:**  glad we're all in!! and that was the plan babe ;)

 **apexpredator:**  Cady... all this time we thought you were innocent...

 **orandge:**  :0

 **fetchgretch:**  screenshotted

 **savannahbi:** my parents are out of town and I wanna try something new

 **savannahbi:** they leave Friday morning so you guys can come over whenever and you can bring drinks or weed or whatever

 **2gaytofunction:** what happened to our sweet innocent Caddy...

 **savannahbi:** sweet and innocent Cady has left the groupchat

 **spacegay:** oh please

 **savannahbi:** shut up Janis you're the one that corrupted me

 **spacegay:**...you got me there

 **savannahbi:** exactly

 **savannahbi:** make sure you ask any questions about the plan before Friday so I can account for any concerns :)

 **2gay2function:** nerd

 **savannahbi:** can yall shut up for once

 **2gay2function:** we're in illinois why are you saying yall

 **orandge:** maybe they said yall in africa

 **fetchgretch:** something tells me they didn't

 **savannahbi:** LEAVE ME ALONE

 **spacegay:** nerd

 **apexpredator:** ^

 **2gay2function:** ^

 **fetchgretch:** ^

 **orandge:** ^

 **savannahbi:** shut up!!

 **orandge:** what are we doing

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna do a character study on how they'd act when they're high so next chapter will be a lighter chapter


	6. the one where everyone gets high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> party games with this friend group get wild fast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's a long one bois so buckle up
> 
> oh also remember when I said that this chapter was gonna be lighter? I Lied - Fifth Harmony
> 
> there's fluff somewhere in there though if you keep squinting

**queer club, 6:30am**

**savannahbi:** is everyone still coming over tonight?

 **2gay2function:**  yes ma'am

 **spacegay:**  of course babe

 **apexpredator:**  That was gay

 **apexpredator:** And yes.

 **spacegay:**  like you’re one to talk

 **fetchgretch:**  karen and I are coming!

 **orandge:**  I'm bringing pizza!

 **2gay2function:**  YESSSS

 **savannahbi:**  be prepared for games!!

 **2gay2function:** aw that was cute cady

 **savannahbi:**  shut up damian

 **spacegay:**  pure and wholesome cady has left the chat

 **savannahbi:**  was she ever here to begin with

 **apexpredator:**  Good question.

 

Janis stared at her phone screen, twirling her thumbs and wondering how she should go about the night ahead of her. She had a calorie limit and she  _definitely_ couldn't go over tonight. "Hey Jan!" Cady said, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend.

"Hey babe, how are you?" Janis said softly. "I'm fine, how about you?" Cady said, maneuvering herself so she could see Janis' brown eyes. "Okay I guess... could be worse." Janis shrugged. "Well at least it's not terrible, then I'd have to make sure you feel better, cause I like it when you're happy," Cady said, giving Janis a peck on the lips.

 

**queer club, 4:00pm**

**savannahbi:**  HEY GAYS I HAVE ROOM IN MY CAR FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO DRIVE HOME WITH ME

 **2gay2function:**  school literally JUST got out

 **spacegay:**  i’ll come

 **spacegay:**  but why are you yelling

 **fetchgretch:**  ^

 **apexpredator:**  ^

 **2gay2function:**  ^

 **savannahbi:**  IM EXCITED!!!!

 **apexpredator:**  Jesus, Cady types like an insane person when she's excited.

 **2gay2function:**  oh like you're the one to talk about how anyone else types

 **apexpredator:**  Why? Because I type like I've learned proper capitalization and punctuation skills?

 **spacegay:**  wow damian i think cady has some ice at her place for that burn

 **2gay2function:**  shut UP janis

 **spacegay:**  >:(

 

Once the whole group had arrived at Cady’s house, they sat down in a circle, Janis, Cady and Damian on one side and Regina, Gretchen and Karen on the other. Karen and Damian were next to each other and Janis and Regina were next to each other.

As Cady set up a couple of last minute things, Regina asked the question on everybody’s mind. “So, is no one gonna ask why Cady decided to hold a sleepover where everyone gets high?” Janis turned to Cady, “Yeah, why did you decide that?” Cady shrugged as she sat down and simply said “Well, I wanted to see what the appeal was. I’ve never been high before and I wanted to do it with friends.” 

Regina chuckled and replied, “Well I’m happy to take your pot virginity today Cady.” Damian widened his eyes and whispered “Don’t like that,” making Janis and Cady giggle. “Alright bitches, let’s get into never have I ever! Basic rules, if you have done it you take a hit. Let’s start with one that everyone will take a hit on... never have I ever not been straight.”

When the pen got to Cady, Janis said, “Okay so what you wanna do is suck in, then take a breath in like you’re gasping and let it out.” Cady did so and erupted into a coughing fit, causing Janis to hand her a water. “I remember my first time smoking...” Gretchen said, looking over at Karen, which made them both giggle. “Okay, gay and gayer, tone it down.” Regina muttered, causing Karen to swiftly reply, “I’m bi, but okay.” Regina rolled her eyes, replying “Janis, it’s your turn.”

Janis hummed before settling on “Never have I ever liked a boy.” Damian rolled his eyes, murmuring “fuck you,” grabbing the pen to take another hit followed by Cady, then Karen.

“Never have I ever lived in one place my whole life.” Cady said, a little too proud to have thought of that one. “Never have I ever liked girls,” Damian said with a shit-eating grin plastered onto his face. “Oh you think you’re SO clever huh Damian?” Janis said a little too loudly, causing Cady to erupt into giggles. “Babe, it wasn’t that funny,” Janis said as Cady rocked back and forth with laughter, unable to even defend herself. 

“Never have I ever liked someone in this room,” Gretchen said, taking a hit along with Karen, Regina, Cady and Janis. “You know you’re supposed to say stuff you _haven’t_ done, right?” Damian inquired. “Yeah but I just wanted to take a hit,” Gretchen said with a smile. 

“Never have I ever sent nudes,” Karen said, taking a hit before passing it to Regina and Gretchen. The game went on like this for another half hour or so before Karen declared “I’m HUNGRY.” She went over to the pizza boxes, still concealed in its sleeve, and pulled them out swiftly but carefully. 

“I wasn’t sure what everyone liked so I just got cheese with white sauce.” Damian fistpumped and yelled “YES!!” before diving in along with everyone else. Everyone else except Janis that is. She took her slice and nibbled away at it, the rest of the group too high to notice.

“Let’s play truth or dare,” Gretchen suggested, starting to get bored of the silence. Cady replied between giggles, “Hell no, you guys are crazy when it comes to dares and I don’t wanna end up… streaking through my neighborhood or something,” she said, erupting into laughter. “What’s so funny…” Regina said, half bored and half apathetic. “I don’t know,” she said, still laughing. Janis pressed her lips to Cady’s, giving her a chaste kiss, taking her by surprise and stopping her laughter.

“Finally, I thought she was never gonna stop,” Regina muttered. “Heeey be nice Regina, this is her house,” Gretchen said, promptly going back to giggling and playing around with Karen. “Fine.” Regina said, rolling her eyes so hard they might just roll off her face. 

The dark haired girl sat up and suggested “How about we play truth or dare but minus the dare? We just ask questions. One person asks and everyone answers unless someone has a question for a specific person.” Everyone shrugged, Damian replying, “Works for me.”

Gretchen sat up as well, moving her head off of Karen’s shoulder. “Most embarrassing memory. I’ll start,” Gretchen said, taking a deep breath before saying “I used to stuff my bra in middle school, and one day I spilled some juice on my shirt,”  she was laughing now, “And the tissue completely soaked it up!” She said, laughing uncontrollably now, causing the others to join her. 

Once the laughter had begun to die down, Karen stated that her most embarrassing memory could be summed up in two words: amateur tweens. Everyone nodded, remembering the story and looking to Regina for hers. “Well… mine was probably having the whole school see me get hit by a big yellow school bus,” she chuckled dryly.

Janis simply said “space dyke,” and they knew. Regina said softly, “I’m so sorry that I did that to you Janis.” Janis waved her hand and said, “Seriously Gina, don’t worry about it.” Regina, seeming increasingly anxious replied “okay, but I just had to say that if I could take it back I would.” Janis grabbed Regina’s hand, softly squeezing it and saying softly, “I appreciate it,” with a soft smile that Regina was sure she hadn’t seen in so long. “I think it’s Cady’s turn.”

Cady nodded softly, “Right. Probably back in Kenya when I had a crush on this guy, and I waited for him with flowers and when he finally came back, he laughed at me. It hurt like a bitch,” Cady chuckled, trying to play it off. The memory of the way her first real crush tossed her away felt like a punch in the gut. Janis slowly takes Cady’s hand, rubbing circles with her thumb. “Probably the Phillip story. He still won’t accept my edible arrangements,” Damian said casually, feeling as though the mood had become a little too heavy.

“Who wants to ask a question next?” Cady raised her hand before saying, “What’s something you’ve never told anyone?” After a pause, Cady sighed, “I guess I’ll start. I’ll go ahead and share two,” the girl said, rolling up her shirt sleeve to show the rest of the circle the pale scar that went up her arm.

Gretchen and Karen gasped softly, and Regina and Damian looked at it with a glimmer of sadness in their eyes. “This happened when I was in Kenya. It just got really lonely, and my parents had to teach me about suicide when I was young, so when I got older I thought that it might be a good solution so that I didn’t have to deal with everything,” she said, heart thumping so loud that she was sure the entire room could hear it. 

“The second is that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and mild depression. I started taking meds for it last week. I just didn’t want to bring it up cause I figured there were more important things to discuss y’know?” She was kneading her hands together now, becoming increasingly nervous with the silence. Damian placed a hand over Cady’s. “Hey, we love you, okay? And we want you to be able to talk about stuff like that with us,” he stated, garnering nods of affirmation from the rest of the group. 

“I guess that brings it to me. Damian said, slowly pulling his arms out of his shirt and pulling it off to reveal scars along the top of his chest. “Damian,” Janis breathed, in awe that her friend could have kept that from her. “How come…” He pulled his shirt back over his head, “Because I didn’t want anyone to see me as less of a guy if you knew.”

Janis and Cady leaned in to give him a hug, followed by the former Plastics. “We love and accept you just how you are,” Cady said into his chest, causing the others to nod as they all embraced each other.

After they separated, Gretchen started by taking a deep breath in. “I used to be really depressed in middle school and my mom didn’t believe me so I ran away. That one week that I missed, I was bench hopping and sleeping in abandoned houses in my neighborhood. No one contacted me the whole week. It kinda sucked,” Gretchen laughed dryly, afraid that if she didn’t she might cry. “Like, I actually _did_ disappear and no one noticed or cared.”

Karen pulled Gretchen onto her shoulder as Gretchen reached to turn on the vape pen. “I actually haven’t had sex with 11 people. I’ve only had sex with one. I just made that up to make people think that I was wanted by guys y’know? I guess I was barking up the wrong tree,” Karen said, garnering some giggles from within the circle.

Regina sighed and said, “I’m sorry for what I’m about to say Janis… I knew I was a lesbian all along. This whole time, even when I outed you. I figured that if there was more than one lesbian at our school, it would be easier. But everyone started bullying you, and I couldn’t defend you and risk outing myself… so I didn’t say anything, and that’s what I’ve never told anyone. I’m ashamed of the things I did to be popular.” Regina said, grabbing the pen from Gretchen. “Wow,” Damian said, half-tempted to make a joke about Regina actually having a soul after all, but ultimately deciding against it. 

It was Janis’ turn, and she took her jacket off, revealing the pale white scars that lined her forearms. “I’m sure just about everyone here has seen these, but I haven’t told anyone why I do it. I do it because this way, there’s pain that I can control. It’s kind of like a self-punishment as well… Like every time someone at school would call me a dyke and tell me not to change in the girl’s locker room, I’d do it once for every mean comment, as if I was confirming that what they all said was true. Like I deserved to be called the names they called me.” Janis sighed, reaching for her jacket.

“Anyone else, like… really tired?” Damian asked. Janis chuckled, replying “Yeah, Cady here has been falling asleep on my shoulder off and on for the past 10 minutes.” Cady shook her head, mumbling, “Nuh-uh, I just like having my head on your shoulder.” The redhead sat up and stated, “Well it’s been good, but I think we should all get some rest. I have 3 twin sized mattresses set up in my room along with my bed, I figured Janis would sleep with me and Gretchen and Karen would share one.” Everyone slowly nodded in agreement, making their way to Cady’s bedroom.

As they all laid down in their respective beds, Cady said a quick “goodnight, I love you guys!” before turning to face her girlfriend, whispering, “but I love you most,” falling asleep in the dark haired girl’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: I drew out a little diagram so I wouldn't forget who was sitting where in the circle
> 
> please point out any typos you see bc honestly I just post and don't check for typos
> 
> tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


	7. alone in this fight with herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for calorie talk + discussion of disordered eating patterns (I actually had to do math for this and for that I deserve some sort of reward)
> 
> this chapter is also,,, really long so buckle in kiddos  
> chapter title is from stand in the rain by superchick

Cady woke up the next morning wrapped up in Janis. It wasn’t the first night they’d spend together and she hoped it wouldn’t be the last. She slowly rolled over and just watched her girlfriend sleep. She was calm. Content, like the weight of the world had been forklifted off of her chest. Cady thought she was absolutely brilliant that way. “Vous avez des étoiles en vous,” Cady whispered, carefully moving Janis’ hair away from her eyes. She felt tears begin to well up in her eyes and she willed them not to fall, instead settling for taking hold of her girlfriend’s hand and cuddling back into her.

 

 

She missed the savannah, the familiarity, traveling around Africa and learning the french language. She thought it was all so beautiful. She just wished she’d had people to enjoy it with. And then she came to America and encountered a whole different beast. She had to face social interactions and everything that came with her first year of high school. It was enough to send the girl’s anxiety spiraling, and her parents noticed. Luckily, psychiatric professionals weren’t hard to come by in America so they were able to get her medication to level her out. Plus she had Janis and everyone else to help her calm down when things became too much. She missed the savannah, but she didn’t have the friends she has back then. She wonders if life would have been much different if she had the support she has now. 

She lifts her arm up, inspecting the raised skin there. Her mind swirls with _what ifs_ and _maybes_. Cady laid her arm back down and decided to lay and cuddle with her girlfriend for just a little longer. 

 

It was 10 am now and the whole gang was awake, laughing and joking when Karen declared yet again that she was hungry. Gretchen looked at Karen and said, “are you thinking what I’m thinking?” The pair said in unison, “1, 2, 3, Waffle House!” and burst into giggles. Damian laughed and said, “is everyone down to go?” earning him nods from the whole group. Janis nodded, trying to seem less nervous than she was.

“I’ll drive!” Cady chirped, causing both Damian and Regina to reject that notion, the latter’s reaction taking the rest by surprise. “Seriously," Regina said, “You let us all sleep over at your house and everything, and you offered to take us all here yesterday. I’ll drive.”

Damian placed his hand on his chest, feigning shock and saying, “Who are you and what have you done with Regina George the massive deal?” Regina rolled her eyes before responding, “I guess being friends with you guys has made me soft, but if you tell anyone else that I’ll kill you.” The whole room erupted with laughter, and Regina couldn’t help but join in.

“Guys, I’m seriously starving! It feels like my stomach is digesting itself!” Karen whined. Regina and Gretchen shared a look, even laughing a bit, and the former declared, “Everybody pile in my car then!” 

 

Upon their arrival at Waffle House, they all piled into a booth, since they all agreed that was the only good seating choice when in Waffle House. Janis scanned the menu for something low in calories and eventually settled on coffee and a waffle, planning to only eat half of it.

Regina went with a cheese omelet, Karen and Gretchen both ordering a sausage egg and cheese sandwich, Cady deciding on 2 scrambled eggs and a waffle, and Damian settling on a fiesta omelet. As they waited for their food to come, Regina tapped the table in front of Cady, asking her how her first time was once she had her attention.

“W-what?” Cady said, caught off guard. “Your first time being high, dummy,” she laughed. Cady laughed as well, replying “It was fun! I felt… light and carefree. Like I didn’t have to worry about anything.” She smiled. Janis watched her girlfriend as she spoke, and goddamn, she was beautiful. She could see the light in the redhead’s eyes as she spoke about the previous night.

“What?” Cady said, now looking at Janis. “Hmm?” The dark-haired girl murmured. “You were staring,” Cady whispered, looking into the taller girl’s deep brown eyes. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to… You just look so beautiful when you’re happy,” Janis said softly. Cady blushed, softly grabbing Janis’s chin and pulling her closer to kiss her.

The other four just watched, hearts full. When they pulled away, Janis jokingly said, “Show’s over folks,” beginning to giggle, causing the rest of them to follow suit. “You guys are just really cute together,” Regina said with a soft smile on her face. “Aww, she’s soft!” Damian said, causing Regina to glare at him, still smiling as their food arrived.

 

Everyone ate in silence for about 5 minutes before Gretchen said, “It’s too quiet, anyone up for a game of would you rather?” “Sure!” Cady replied, looking around to gauge everyone’s response, which was just a nod. “I’ll start! Would you rather have toes for fingers or fingers for toes?” Gretchen asked.

“Easy. Fingers for toes.” Damian said. “I don’t wear flip flops or sandals anyway,” he said, shuddering at the thought. “Yeah, probably fingers for toes. Plus then you could actually do shit with your feet.” Regina laughed and said, “you mean besides walking?” Janis took a big gulp of her now cold coffee and said, “Who needs to walk anyway?” Cady poked her shoulder and as she turned to face Cady, the redhead asked softly, “Are you gonna finish your waffle?” Janis shook her head, looking down at her plate, which contained 3/4 of a waffle. “Please try to eat a little more, babe. For me?” She said, looking into her eyes.

Janis thought for a moment, and agreed to eat a little more. Besides, if she didn’t, the coffee would upset her stomach. The numbers swirled around in her head with every bite she took. _205 calories for the waffle plus 23 for the butter and syrup and 5 for the coffee._ “Janis?” The sound of Cady’s voice took her out of her own head as the redhead pointed out that the waiter had come to the table with their receipts. Janis took her receipt and folded her card into it. She tugged on her green jacket sleeves as the redhead sitting beside her gave her a peck on the cheek.

“I’m proud of you,” she whispered, her smile and voice genuine and kind. Janis tried to make her smile seem genuine, but it hurt to know that she was keeping things from her girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> google search what is the perfect mix between angst and fluff  
> go yell at me or point out my typos on tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


	8. catch me I'm falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall are probably tired of this fic but I'm still kicking,,, and dragging this out as far as it'll go!!  
> tw for self harm, kind of in detail, and glamorizing of bulimia (it's just one line really but still just in case)  
> chapter title is from make up your mind/catch me I'm falling from next to normal

Janis sat on her bathroom floor, the rest of her friends already dropped off at home after their breakfast (brunch?) together. Her heart raced as she began to panic thinking about everything she’d eaten over the past 2 days. Granted it wasn’t much, but she could still feel the heaviness of it in her stomach. Back when she was first dealing with her eating disorder, she spent a lot of time online, trying to figure out some tips for fasting. She remembered when she stumbled upon a scene from Glee, the scene where Kitty was teaching Marley how to lose weight. “...just because you didn’t love yourself enough to binge and purge.”

The words spun through the girl’s head as she stuck her fingers down her throat until bile came up. Standing up carefully, she washed her hands and looked in the mirror. She looked into her own eyes and saw nothing in the eyes staring back at her. It had been months since the encounter in Cady’s bedroom.

The redhead must think she’s getting better. _So naive_ , Janis thought. For her to think that this thing, this _disease_ that she’d been dealing with is as simple as just eating a little more for her. Janis stared at the mirror and muttered, “Disgusting.” She opened her cabinet and grabbed a box of bandages, shaking it until she saw silver. Turning the thing between her fingers, she pulled her pants down and knelt back on the floor. She turned her phone on silent, ignoring the texts Cady had just sent her and turned on some music to mask any noises. She could text the girl back later.

_Just when I think I need someone, they wrap their arms around my old bones, and I start breaking apart._

Janis pressed down the razor, taking a pause before dragging it across her skin. She was always scared to do it, but it’s what she deserved. At least that’s what she kept telling herself as she watched the white spot that her razor drew fill up with red.

_I walk away from anyone who cares about me, but I swear, my skin’s not as rough as I make it out to be._

As she watched the wound fill up, she reached for the box of bandaids she had stashed the tiny piece of metal in to begin with. She covered it up meticulously, making sure no blood had spilled anywhere.

_The saddest part is I’ve been distant since I was 16. It keeps me up in bed, I’m stuck here with all the choices I’ve made and the chances I was too afraid to-_

The song was interrupted as her phone began to buzz. Janis sighed, knowing it had to be Cady. Cady and the dark-haired girl’s parents were the only ones whose call would break through the silence, and her parents were busy.

“Janis?” Cady said after the brown-eyed girl had picked up the phone. “Hey love, what’s up?” Janis replied, voice soft, almost like the girl was in a daze. “N-nothing, it’s just you weren’t answering my texts and i got worried.”

Janis chuckled before stating, “You’re sweet, really, but I’m fine.” Cady didn’t seem convinced though. “Okay, so you wouldn’t mind if I came over then?” Janis smiled and said, “I’d love it if you came over,” getting comfortable on her bed for a quick nap. “I might be napping when you get here so if I am then just wake me up.”

Cady grinned, replying, “Will do! I’ll see you then, love you babe.” Both girls had goofy grins on their faces. “Love you more,” Janis murmured. “Have I ever mentioned how sexy you are when you talk like that?” Janis rolled her eyes - unbeknownst to Cady - and quipped back “Like what, a sleep-deprived idiot?” “Precisely,” the redhead replied, unable to stop herself from smiling.

Janis laid her head back on her pillow, taking a swig from her water bottle. Something about the emptiness she felt in her stomach combined with the throbbing on her legs was euphoric for the girl. She laid down on top of her blanket and closed her eyes, waiting for her redhead to show up.

Cady unlocked the Sarkisians’ front door, making her way to Janis’s room with a smile on her face, until she got a good look at the girl. She was pale, beads of sweat forming scarcely along her forehead. There were scars along the upper half of her thighs and there were tan bandaids on both legs.

Janis felt someone shaking her, and she opened her eyes to see Cady with tears welling up in her eyes. “What the hell Janis?” The brown-eyed girl was confused, until she sat up and realized that the blanket wasn’t covering her legs like she thought they were. She could’ve sworn she hopped under the blanket.

“Shit,” Janis mumbled, barely audible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song that Janis was listening to is Sixteen by Real Friends
> 
> tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


	9. something won't always be missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: future by paramore

Janis sat up against the headboard of her bed, avoiding eye contact with the redhead, who was... upset? Angry? Janis couldn't tell, but she wasn't happy, that much she could tell. "Janis..." Cady started. "I'm sorry," the taller girl whispered, still avoiding eye contact.

The redhead tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brows, replying "For what?" Janis sighed, finally looking at her girlfriend before saying, "For lying." She sat down next to Janis, and whispered, "You don't have to apologize. Just... can you answer a few questions for me?" The dark-haired girl nodded, beginning to wring her hands together.  _God she must think I'm some kind of psycho._

"When did you start cutting again?" Cady said, reaching for Janis' hand to hold. The dark-haired girl looked down in shame, replying, "I never stopped. I just switched to my legs. You seemed so proud every time I would eat, or when the scars on my arm would heal, and... I didn't want to disappoint you," she sniffled, voice hushed to a whisper now. "Baby, I'm not disappointed." Cady said, brushing hand along the dark-haired girl's cheek, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "I know what it's like to relapse and to feel like you have to hide it. I just want you to know that I love you. No matter what happens, whether you relapse or not, whether you hide it or not, whatever. I love you and I'm not going to stop loving you just because you're struggling."

Cady cupped her hand on Janis' cheek and turned the taller girl's gaze towards her. "I love you so much. I promise." Tears were falling down Janis' face as she whispered, "I-i have to tell you something else." Cady moved her hand from the girl's face back to her hands and nodded, signaling for her to go. "I..." she sighed, taking a deep breath before finishing her sentence. "I started purging. It was about a week or two after you found me in the kitchen." Cady rubbed her thumb along the surface of Janis' hand, listening intently. "I don't know why... I just felt... disgusting. Disgusting for eating so much, disgusting for lying to you..."

Cady frowned, softly saying, "Baby... you don't have to tell me everything. Please don't feel like you have to. I get it, it's hard. But outside of mental health, if you want to keep some things to yourself, then feel free. I know I keep some things to myself, so I wouldn't be mad if you kept things from me for a while, especially if they're hard to talk about."

Janis stared into Cady's baby blues as the redhead ran her thumb across the girl's cheek, wiping away her tears. "Jan?" "Yeah, Cady?" Cady paused, before asking, "Did you clean up those cuts before you put a bandaid on them?" The girl shook her head no, and she and Cady exchanged looks as the pair began to get up and head for the bathroom.

The two sat on the floor, Cady's right leg behind Janis' back and left leg bent in order for her to reach Janis' legs. "Want me to sing for you?" Janis nodded, eyes already screwed shut to prepare for the sensation she was about to experience.

 _Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you, by now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do,_ Cady began before starting to wipe at Janis' still open wounds. She hissed, leaning her head onto Cady's shoulder. Cady kissed her softly on the head, continuing to sing. 

 _I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now._   _Backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out, I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt._

The redhead took her free hand and wiped the tears from Janis' face. It was a necessary evil. 

 _I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now._ _And all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how._ Cady kissed Janis' head again, murmuring, "Half done."

_Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall. Today was gonna be the day, but they'll never throw it back to you. By now you should've somehow realized what you're not to do. I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now._

Cady slightly shrugged her shoulder, indicating that she was done. She reached for the box of bandages to cover up the now-cleaned cuts. 

_And all the roads that lead you there are winding. And all the lights that light the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how._

Cady closed the box, pulling Janis closer to her, the taller girl wrapping her arms around the redhead and curling into her chest. 

 _I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall._ Cady kisses the girl's head between every repeated phrase. 

When she finished, she heard a murmured "I love you" from the taller girl before she saw Janis looking up at her. "I love you too baby." Their lips locked and they stayed like that for a bit. "I love it when you sing for me." Cady smiled softly, "I love to sing for you." 

 

"Hey babe?" "Yeah Jan?" "Remember when you said you keep things from me? What would those things be?" Janis said with a grin. Cady giggled, tossing a pillow at Janis and replying, "Wouldn't you like to know," before planting a kiss on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cady loves calling janis baby and singing for her... what can I say She's Soft For Janis  
> also I think this is gonna be the last chapter unless it needs more closure than this. lmk what you think
> 
> leave comments and kudos if you want and send me writing requests on tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


	10. we are not what you think we are, we are golden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time-skip chapter wheeee  
> chapter title: we are golden - MIKA

 

> _Don't leave me tongue-tied! Don't wave no goodbye!_

The group yelled at the top of their lungs in Regina's empty house. Graduation was tomorrow. They'd made it. War was over and they could finally breathe. And what better way to celebrate than with a sleepover? After the song had ended, they all sat down on the floor, catching their breath. 

"Do you ever think about how much has changed?" Janis said softly. Cady looked at her girlfriend, clad in a tank top and shorts baring the white scars along the top of her thighs.

She grabbed her hand and nodded. "Like how at the beginning of junior year, we all wouldn't be caught dead in the same room together." Cady giggled as Regina replied, "You guys are my best friends now. And before I... didn't  _really_ have friends. Just people I treated like shit.” 

Regina paused before continuing, "I'm glad we're like, _actual_ friends now, y'know? You guys have been really awesome." Damian placed his hand on his chest in fake shock, sobering up to reply, "Love you too, Gina." Regina laughed, "That's how you know I love you guys, 'cause I would never let anyone else call me Gina."

The group laughed. Karen started, "Guys..." Gretchen interrupted her, "I'm hungry too Kare. Anyone down for Waffle House?” The group nodded, Cady quickly offering to drive. “Sure, why not?” Regina replied, since she’d insisted on driving last time.

Cady grabbed her keys and yelled, “Let’s go! Janis gets shotgun!” Janis pumped her fist up and down. The six teens piled into Cady’s car and Regina couldn’t stop laughing. “Cady how have I never seen your car?” Cady furrowed her brows, “Uhh, I don’t know, what’s so funny?” Regina, in between gasping breaths, replied “Since when do you own a soccer mom car?”

Cady whipped around, stone-faced and replied, “I can and will kick you out of this car, Gina.” Regina stopped in her tracks, causing Cady to take a turn laughing uncontrollably. “Oh man, babe did you see her face?” The rest of them giggled softly as Regina crossed her arms and fake pouted. “Aww Gina, it’s okay,” Damian teased, kissing her on the cheek and causing her to roll her eyes. “Okay, everyone buckled?” Cady asked, waiting for 5 thumbs up before declaring, “TO WAFFLE HOUSE!!”

 

The group sat in a booth, in their typical seating arrangement, trying to decide what to order. Janis nervously tapped her fingers on the table, prompting Cady to reach over and grab the girl’s hand. She rubbed her thumb against the back of her hand and they exchanged looks, Janis’ one of fear and Cady’s one of understanding and reassurance. It had been a little over a year since Janis told Cady that she had been purging, and the two decided they were going to fight her demons together. Some days they took a little more fighting than others.

“What are you guys ordering? I have no idea what to get,” Janis said, voice slightly trembling. She had come clean to the group about her eating disorder months ago in an effort to keep herself accountable. They were so loving and kind about it, making sure to encourage without pushing. The summer before her senior year, when she wasn’t sure she wanted to keep living, they took care of her until she felt like she could function again. They knew how hard this was for her, and they tried their best to make it easy.

Karen and Gretchen decided to split their food, so the former ordered a waffle and hashbrowns, while the latter got scrambled eggs and cheese.

Regina ordered a cheese omelet with hashbrowns, Damian ordered a fiesta omelet and Cady going for 2 eggs and a waffle. Janis bit her lip before deciding on the same meal as Cady.

 

The food arrived and they began to eat. Gretchen piped up, “Do you think… we’ll stay friends after everything is done?” She said softly, drawing the attention of the group. “Of course, Gretch,” Damian said, sounding surprised that she would think otherwise. Karen placed her hand on Gretchen’s, silently reassuring her that their love would stay the same. “I mean, I-I just don’t want everything we’ve worked to build between us to go away when we go off to college, because I really love you guys and you’ve been such a big support system for me,” Gretchen began to ramble until she felt Karen gently squeeze her hand, an unspoken reminder for when she needed to breathe. “I love you guys, and I think we all agree when I say that we’re gonna keep in touch,” Cady said, earning nods from the group. Gretchen’s face lit up, relief washing over her as she began to eat.

 

They all laughed and joked and Janis reached to eat more when she noticed her plate was empty. She smiled softly, trying to disguise the feeling of her nerves beginning to ball up in her stomach. She felt a pair of arms around her, and she looked over to see Cady’s small figure squeezing her. “I’m so proud of you,” she spoke into Janis’ side, moving to kiss her on the cheek. The dark-haired girl held back her smile. Maybe she was doing something right. Damian looked over and spoke, “Good for you Janis, you go Janis!” Even Regina was smiling from ear to ear, and Janis wasn’t sure she’d seen that in a while.

“Thanks guys, seriously,” she said softly, unable to hold back her smile. “I don’t know where I’d be without you nerds,” she teased. Everyone smiled at her, knowing she meant every word. Really, all of them needed each other, and they knew what this group meant to everyone in it.

Cady looked at Damian, then Janis, as she said, “I’m glad Ms Norbury’s homeroom brought us together,” causing the three to giggle. “Back to my place?” Regina suggested. They all agreed, piling back into Cady’s car.

 

\--

 

Regina’s house was like a goddamn mansion. They had more guest rooms than they knew what to do with, so when it came time for sleep, Janis and Cady took a room, Gretchen and Karen took another, and Regina and Damian slept in the same room, as neither of them wanted to sleep alone in the large house, and they both enjoyed the other’s presence even if they’d never admit it.

Cady swooped Janis up into her arms, causing the taller girl to squeal and ask her when she got so strong. “You’re tiny, Janis, it’s not that hard to carry you,” she laughed, tossing her onto the guest bed. Janis propped herself up onto her elbows as Cady closed the door to the room.

“Can I… can I do something really quick?” Cady asked softly, wringing her hands together. Janis nodded, prompting the redhead to kneel between her thighs and push her shorts up, gentle and kind as always, as she began to kiss the raised white marks on her legs.

Janis felt herself begin to blush as Cady carefully ensured she had kissed every one, before standing up to straddle her and repeat the process on her arms. “You’re beautiful, you know that Janis?” The brown-eyed girl looked at her girlfriend, who was looking at her in awe. “I don’t believe I do,” she whispered, laughing dryly. “You are, really. You’re one of the strongest, most beautiful people I know.” Janis smiled a soft smile, as if she was unsure. Cady hooked her finger around Janis’ chin and lifted her head so she could make eye contact with her before locking their lips together.

Janis’ hands on Cady’s hips, Cady’s arms around Janis’ neck, they could stay that way forever. When they finally separated, Cady slid her hands down Janis’ waist, waiting for her to nod her approval. When she did, the redhead slowly slid her shorts down and began to work.

 

“I love you,” Cady whispered. “I love you,” Janis said, kissing her girlfriend’s head. They were wrapped up in each other under the blanket, now exhausted. “You make me glad I didn’t die back in Kenya,” she said, tilting her head to make eye contact with the brown-eyed girl. “I’m glad to be that for you. You make me better. Everything doesn’t seem so daunting when you’re with me.” Janis said, squeezing the girl a little tighter and making her blush. “I’m proud of you. I’m proud to be yours, and I wanna scream it from the mountaintops.” Cady said, and Janis could hear her smile. “You say that a lot, that you’re proud of me,” Janis said, finding it difficult to contain her smile. God, she was so in love.

“I wanna make sure you know that you’re doing something right,” she whispered. Janis slid down and connected their lips. When Janis pulled away to kiss the girl’s neck she whispered, “How’d I get so lucky with you?” Cady shivered against the feeling of her breath against her neck. “I ask myself the same thing,” she said softly. “Let’s get some sleep,” Janis whispered, the two curling up against each other.

 

\--

 

Cady was putting the finishing touches on her hair as Janis emerged from the bathroom, clad in a white dress with orange floral detailing.

Cady looked shocked when Janis came through the door. “Wow, baby you look stunning,” Cady said, grabbing her hips gently and planting a kiss on her lips. “Aw babe, so do you,” she whispered. “You look so good with your hair like this,” she said, twirling one of her curled locks around her finger.

Cady smiled, blushing yet again. “Hey, do you mind helping me with my makeup?” Janis said softly. “Of course my love,” Cady said, grabbing her hand and leading her over to the vanity.

 

An hour or so later, everyone was ready to leave. As Cady was getting ready to exit the guest room, Janis put her hand on the girl’s shoulder. “Uh, wait… I wanted to give you something…” Janis said, fumbling around in her sweater’s pockets before pulling out a ring with a knot on it and slipping it onto Cady’s ring finger.

“It’s a promise ring, I just wanted you to know that you’re the only one I want to be with, and I promise that won’t change any time soon,” she rambled, cut off by Cady pressing her lips against hers.

“God, I love you, Janis Sarkisian. So much,” Cady said, in awe of her girlfriend’s capacity to shock her and show her love. “Let’s go graduate, my love,” Janis said, lacing their fingers together as Cady opened the door.

 

Cady drove all six of them to graduation and they screamed the words to We Are Golden by MIKA and Tongue Tied by Grouplove on the way there. They could finally be free from everything high school had put them through. When they tossed their caps up, Janis grabbed Cady’s face and kissed her. She couldn’t be happier to have her guardian angel, lover, and best friend all wrapped up in one adorable tiny package. She didn’t have to fake happiness with her, and that was all Janis could really ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the ride that was this story and I hope I wrapped this up well enough eek  
> feel free to leave me asks or requests on tumblr: [soheresmyrightfinger](http://soheresmyrightfinger.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [makesyoubrave](http://twitter.com/makesyoubrave)


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